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Sarah Wendell: Hey there! Welcome to episode number 661 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we’re heading back in time to July 2000 to check out the new releases in Romantic Times Magazine. Highlights include Amanda’s memories of reading Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier, one of her very favorite all-time books; a surprising number of two- and one-star reviews; and we have a heroine obsessed with pirates who runs a bed and breakfast. I wish that this were like a real thing where we could all go to the pirate bed and breakfast, but, you know, alas not.

I will have links to all of the books that we discuss and have big, big-big-sized images of some of the more incredible covers, because 2000 was still peak excellent cover era.

If you would like to see the entire issue, you can join our Patreon! If you join the Patreon, you get the complete issue, and I have a compliment this week!

To Jenn E.: Sometimes you might notice that your joints make noise when you move around, and that’s okay. This is technically called crepitus, which is a great word, but in reality your joints are cheering you on, because every day you bring so much good into the world. You deserve applause.

[Laughs] My joints make noise; I will now think of them as applauding me. Thank you, Jenn E.!

If you have supported the show, thank you. If you’d like to support the show, get the full PDF, and join one of the warmest, most wonderful Discord communities, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

I’ve got snacks; I’ve got wine; I’ve got beverages; I’ve got ginger ale in case time travel makes you a little queasy. Let’s hop in the time machine and go back to July 2000. On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Shall we get started with this issue?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: It looks like, from your notes, you had a really good time.

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, we’ll get to some of the review sections that are real stinkers, right? It’s like, eh, whatever, dude.

Sarah: But the features, there were some things in here where I was delighted. Like, I would tur-, I would scroll to a new page and be like, Oooh!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Ooh, that’s exciting! All right, so let’s get started with reviews. Starting on page 29, you’re going first! We’re in –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – guess what, Historical. Now, now and forever, in the world of RT, Historical Romance is number one. It will never change.

Amanda: Yeah! I will note, before we start going through all the reviews, I noticed this issue probably has the most two-star and one-star grades that we’ve seen…

Sarah: Yeah, I noticed that too!

Amanda: – any issue. We were, like, just awash in the riches of a, of a two-star.

Sarah: So you picked the title book from the cover of the magazine. The whole reason I selected this and isolated this one for you was because this was on the cover and I knew you’d be delighted.

Amanda: So the cover, for those who don’t know, is Daughter of the Forest by Juliet, Juliet Marillier. This is one of my very favorite books ever, and it’s reviewed in, in the book, or in the magazine. And what I didn’t know – so I read this book in high school; so I graduated in 2007. This book came out in two, are we in 2000?

Sarah: Yeah, this is 2000; came out May 2000.

Amanda: Yeah. So it’s pretty newish in our high school library, considering the timeline, and I didn’t know it was that current at the time of release? And I remember my friend in high school, Jennifer, read it and was like, Oh, you have to read this book; it’s so good. And so then I checked it out from the school library and I loved it! And since then, this is Marillier’s, Marillier’s debut. This was her first book.

Sarah: Holy shit.

Amanda: Yeah, I know! And I also did not know that.

Sarah: It’s interesting to look at this, because Daughter of the Forest, if you asked me to name when that was published, I would have said like the ‘80s or ‘90s.

Amanda: I think it’s the cover. The cover’s not great. [Laughs]

Sarah: It’s –

Amanda: They have a new one now.

Sarah: It’s like a pencil illustration of this girl, and, like, and it’s ver- –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: The style is, I have not seen anywhere else.

Amanda: It’s in, like, very gray –

Sarah: Mm-hmm!

Amanda: – tones, like kind of sad-looking.

Sarah: No, very depression palette.

Amanda: [Laughs] Yes…So I wanted to talk about Daughter of the Forest. It’s in the Historical section, but it’s labeled in a big box by itself Historical Fantasy.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: And it is four and a half stars. It was published by Tor…Gold.

Sarah: No, it says four and a half stars TPG!

Amanda: Yeah, it’s a Gold Top Pick!

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: And the setting is Celtic Ireland, and I’ll, I’ll read the review. It’s a pretty beefy review.

Sarah: This –

Amanda: Gets its own call-out section.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: >> A remarkable new author makes a debut that is nothing short of brilliant in this lyrical retelling of the legend of the swans. It is a time of magic in Ireland, and the Fair Folk still play their games with mankind. Sorcha is a healer and, as such, feels called upon to heal an injured Briton and help him escape her father’s dungeons. But her ministrations are cut short when her father brings home a new bride, one who awakens great unease in Sorcha and her siblings. Their fears prove to be more than justified as the Lady Oonagh weaves a dreadful spell to condemn them to life as swans. Although Sorcha escapes transformation, her fate is far worse than that of her brothers: only she, mute, can save them by weaving shirts out of nettles. It will take years of bitter loneliness, heartache, and physical trauma to fulfill her duty. Then one day her life is saved by another Briton, one who carries her off to his own people across the sea, a man who somehow understands without words that she has a crucial task to complete. As her battered heart begins to respond to Lord Hugh of Harrowfield, she’ll be caught between conflicting loyalties that may see the death of either her siblings or the man that she has come to love so deeply. A simply beautiful storyteller, Ms. Marillier’s debut novel brings a classic Celtic fairytale to vibrant, glowing life with riveting prose and lyrical magic. Haunting in its intensity, this stunning reading experience will linger like the finest of wines.

Sarah: Well, it is now 2025, and you read this book, what would you want to say, two thousand –

Amanda: Twenty, twenty years ago.

Sarah: Twenty, easily twenty years ago. Does it linger like the finest of wines?

Amanda: I – here’s the thing, right: with any book that you have a very strong sense of nostalgia…

Sarah: Oh yeah, the nostalgia factor is significant. I’m trying to figure out, like, Lara has sent in some nostalgia pieces for the site, and I’m trying to figure out how we, how we’re going to talk about the influence of nostalgia, especially when you’re reading something that you’re like, This is hella fucking problematic, but yes, the nostalgia’s there?

Amanda: Yeah. So I fully admit that I, I feel biased toward this book, and I haven’t read it –

Sarah: Fair enough!

Amanda: – I would say in the last five to seven years I haven’t read it? But I will say it’s made me a lifelong fan of her books, and I have read her recent releases, and they still hit chef’s-kiss beautiful. I will note, if anyone is curious about reading this book, there is sexual assault in this book, so if that –

Sarah: Thank you for telling people that.

Amanda: Yeah. If that is a no-go for you, that happens in the book. I think – I mean, it’s four hundred pages; it happens relatively earlier in the book than later? But it is –

Sarah: But it’s on the page.

Amanda: It is on the page, I think ‘cause there’s only one. But yeah, I really loved it, especially ‘cause she’s tor-, she’s got to weave these shirts, and she’s using nettles, so her fingers are bleeding, and she can’t speak, because if she tells anyone what she’s doing or she tells anyone about the, her brothers being cursed, they will remain cursed forever.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: So that’s why she’s not allowed to speak.

Sarah: So this is a big metaphor for abuse.

Amanda: Yeah, probably! But just, there’s something about Marillier’s writing? Like –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – they mentioned lyrical twice, and I would say that’s pretty accurate. Her newer series, the first one, The Harp of Kings, is about two bard siblings who want to join this, like, elite band of mercenaries, and their first task is to, like, recover this coronation harp before the crowning of the next king. I really like that when two – I just love all of her books! But I would agree every-, with everything in this review.

Sarah: That’s fantastic! I, I am very pleased that this review matches what you think of the book.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: What’s the other one that you love all of, that there’s two sisters, and one of them is escaping an abusive marriage?

Amanda: Oh! That is Nettle & Bone by T. –

Sarah: No, it’s, it’s a different one. Nettle & Bone does have somebody leaving an abusive relationship. This is –

Amanda: Yeah, she’s rescuing, she leaves her nunnery to go rescue her sister.

Sarah: Yeah, no, this isn’t that one. This is magical realism; there’s a magical tree?

Amanda: Oh! Sarah Addison…

Sarah: Thank you.

Amanda: Oh my God. What is…is Garden Spells.

Sarah: Garden Spells! That’s what it is.

Amanda: I always call it a Practical Magic, but Southern.

Sarah: Fair! I tried to read it, and I think there’s a sexual assault on the page, and I was like, Oh, I have to go now. Sorry! Bye! [Laughs] It was not happening. So thank you for the warning on this one. Duly noted.

I selected, on page 36, Fireheart by Candace McCarthy. Now, this is quite a review; get ready. This got three stars and is a Zebra. It’s a Zeeb. The setting is Lenni Lenape territory and England 1700s. The Lenni Lenape or Lenape is mostly Jersey. If you look at the land acknowledgement for Smart Bitches, I say something about how the site was founded on the Lenni Lenape territory and is now operated from the Algonquin, Iroquois, Algonquin, and I forget the third part. But yeah –

Amanda: Didn’t we all contribute? Like…

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – geographical locations are?

Sarah: Yes, our land acknowledgement is where all of us are. I need to look it up, ‘cause it’s going to piss me off if I cannot figure this out. Sorry! Anacostan and Piscataway and the Lenape were where the site was founded and now operates, but there’s like fifteen different native and indigenous populations that we talk about in our land acknowledgement. But anyway.

This is quite a review. Get ready.

>> Orphaned and raised by her aunt and the Lenape tribe she loves, Joanna Neville is sent to England when her uncle decrees she will be his heir.

There’s a lot of backstory there; we’re just going to skip right past it.

>> She is miserable there, and after her uncle dies there is nobody to stop her from returning to the Lenape. She faces old memories and hurt at being sent away, but it is the man who will one day be sachem –

Or if you’re me it’s sachem.

>> – who holds her interest until she learns that he is the shy boy she ridiculed when they were children.

So this is a reverse bully historical.

Amanda: What does that mean?

Sarah: A sachem is the chief or leader among Algonquin-speaking Native American tribes in northeastern North America, including the Iroquois. I do not see a pronunciation. You may also have heard of this person as the sagamore. But anyway. Moving back to Jersey, as we do. So this is a historical, Native American, reverse bully romance, in case you’re keeping track.

>> No longer weak and skinny, Fireheart is a proud warrior. Despite learning that he is to marry another, Joanna cannot deny her developing feelings, but the tribe’s traditions and interference from her British fiancé –

Fiancé! What?

>> – are obstacles they must overcome to see their love succeed.

You don’t say! Like, how does she even have an English uncle? Why was she, why is she in the Jersey Native American – we, we don’t need to know any of that; it’s completely irrelevant. So here’s the best part; this is the review. Are you ready?

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: >> In rose-colored tones that portray a lost tribal life, Ms. McCarthy’s newest is a fast, uncomplicated read, peppered with many couples having illicit affairs, child abuse, and at times unreasonable violence of the antagonist. Sensual!

[Laughs] I’m sorry!

Amanda: That line reads like it is not a con-, condemnation of these things.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Like a, a celebration? [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, it’s a fast, uncomplicated read, chock-full of all the things you like, like infidelity, child abuse, and unreasonable violence. My favorite is the juxtaposition of unreasonable violence of the antagonist and Sensual.

Amanda: Sensual.

Sarah: [Laughs] So yeah, I’m, I’m, I’m not reading that. Like, I just want to be clear.

Oh, fuck yes! This is a good cover; wait’ll you see this. You should be worried. So the cover for Fireheart is like one…

Amanda: Ooh, boy.

Sarah: [Laughs] It’s like one-third blue and white flowers, and then there’s this couple embracing while she sits on a rock, and there’s like a purple tree. He’s holding some kind of thing; he’s shirtless, wearing what appear to be –

Amanda: I actually really like this cover!

Sarah: You like it? I like his necklace. But what I really –

Amanda: The color palette is very nice.

Sarah: The color palette is beautiful. Someone really thought a lot about this. I don’t recognize the name, but I’m sure that they’re a prominent designer. What’s grabbing my attention is these blue, the blue things in her hair. What are those, fairies?

Amanda: [Muffled] …they were butterflies. No, it looks like it’s a, one hair is, one strand of hair is braided? And it looks like they stuck something in that braid.

Sarah: All right then. Yep. And nothing says Native American historical from the ‘90s and 2000s like a blonde woman on the cover. Like, just –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – if you’ve got a blonde woman it’s going to be, it’s going to be something.

Amanda: I will say, points for having a little bit of chest hair…

Sarah: A little bit of chest hair, yeah! Yeah!

Amanda: – so he doesn’t look like a baby dolphin. But that’s an aggressive nipple. So –

Sarah: That is a –

Amanda: – you win some, you lose some.

Sarah: It’s staring at us. Like, it’s looking straight at us.

Amanda: Spear, and it’s, like, pointing… [muffled]

Sarah: See my nipple? Pew-pew!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I also want to know who did the tailoring on her dress. Oh, she has fringe! But it’s only on the cuffs. What an interesting use of fringe. Usually if, if you’ve got an indigenous American historical romance there’s just fringe for miles.

Amanda: [Laughs] What an interesting use of fringe.

Sarah: Right?

So moving on to Mystery, Suspense, and Thrillers, and –

Amanda: This was a weird section.

Sarah: This was a very weird section. I noticed two things on here, and – actually, four things. So let’s start with the fact that we have two Janet Evanovich books in this section because five and six were released in the same month? And so she has two reviews in here. But she’s not the only per- – back to back: they both got four and a half stars for Hot Six and High Five.

But M. C. Beaton has two reviews in here. One is under Romantic Mysteries, and one is under straight Mysteries, but they’re the same series, which is why I flagged them. I find this very interesting. On page 90 of the PDF, on the left-hand side, we have amateur sleuth, series, humorous, Agatha Raisin and the Fairies of Fryfam, four and a half stars. Right beneath it, we have paperback release, amateur sleuth, series, romantic, humorous, Agatha Raisin and the Witch of Wyckhadden by M. C. Beaton, four and a half stars. So we’re getting both the paperback release and a new book, reviewed in the same section, but one is in romance and one is not? And I’m like, so what’s –

Amanda: That weird, ’cause –

Sarah: Right? It’s weird!

Amanda: – way, way back when, a paperback release us-, I mean, I think still happens these days, but a paperback release would come out maybe like six months to a year –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – after the hardcover, so I’m assuming they didn’t review the hardcover when it came out?

Sarah: I guess not? Here’s an interesting thing; here’s a, here’s a bit of blast from the past: around 2005, when the site started, between like, I’m going to say 2005 and 2009, although someone who has a better memory for time can correct me on this? The big debate from publishers, from mainstream publishers, was when to release the eBook? Their big worry was cannibalizing hard book sales, and so you’d have eBooks that were like twenty-four dollars because they wanted to price the eBook at the same price as the hardcover, as if what you were getting was a digital hardcover. And then it was the timing: do we release it with the hardcover, or do we wait and release it with the paperback? So if you wanted to get the digital book of something that was a hardcover, you might have to wait six to eight months to a year to get the eBook, because publishers wanted to delay the eBook to avoid crunching into their sales of print. Now –

Amanda: Now we’re seeing the reverse!

Sarah: Now we have the complete reverse, and books that are released in hardcover sometimes do not get a paperback release.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: So as far as I can tell, the difference between the Fairies of Fryfam and the Witch of Wyckhadden is that she has a fling, Agatha Raisin has a fling with a police officer named Jimmy Jessop maybe? Because she uses a love potion on him. But then in the other one she’s leaving –this is a spoiler for a book that’s twenty-five years old, so forgive me – she’s –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – given up hope that James Lacey, who I believe is her next-door neighbor, will ever marry her, so she packs her bags and rents a cottage somewhere else.

You’re taking us to page 88. What’s happening here?

Amanda: So this is one of the, the fabled two-star reviews that I mentioned…

Sarah: So excited! I’m so excited!

Amanda: It’s PI… [muffled]

Sarah: Oh dear.

Amanda: So it’s, it’s called Midnight Hour by Mary Saums.

>> Willi Taft makes her living singing backup in Nashville. On her fortieth birthday, not only does the exciting new man in her life not show up, but she also learns he’s married from the PI the guy’s wife hired…

Sarah: Ohhh boy.

Amanda: [Laughs] It gets weirder.

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: >> However, Sam Robbins, the PI, more than makes up for it. Handsome and fun, Sam brings her to new places and even lets her in on a case he’s working.

Sarah: Okay, so that’s strike two for this PI. He sucks at his job. Why’s he going up to the woman who he’s gathering evidence against and says, Hey, the guy you’re shtupping is married? Like, that’s, he works for the wife, not her! What the hell? Okay, moving on.

Amanda: And also – [laughs] – come join me on a PI… [muffled]?

Sarah: Yeah, sure! Okay! Mm.

Amanda: >> Unfortunately, the fun doesn’t last very long. Sam is murdered by person or persons unknown.

Sarah: [Laughs] Well, maybe that’s, maybe that’s not a bad outcome for Sam, ‘cause he wasn’t a good PI. That’s, actually –

Amanda: >> Still looking for excitement –

Sarah: – that might be the expected outcome of being a shitty PI: one of your former clients is going to off you. Yeah.

Amanda: >> Still looking for excitement, but now with a purpose behind it, Willi decides to investigate Sam’s murder. The premise behind Midnight Hour is an exciting one, Willi Taft holds promise as a character we can get to know and love, but some readers may find the sacrifice of a handsome hero off-putting.

It’s only 188 pages!

Sarah: That’s a tiny little book, and was this guy the hero? I mean, like, they’re dating, but, like –

Amanda: Yeah! This isn’t a romance…

Sarah: No, it’s not a romance, it’s a mystery, so a handsome hero being killed? Like, o-, okay, but if you note in the cover copy that he’s going to die, this should not be news!

Amanda: But fifteen dollars for a book that’s under two hundred pages?

Sarah: It’s a special edition! It’s got sprayed edges and tooled cover and, and some pornographic fan art inside. Come on now, get with the program. [Laughs]

Amanda: No, thank you.

Sarah: All right.

Moving on to Mainstream Fiction. On page 99 there is a review for Never Too Late for Love by Monica Jackson from BET Arabesque. It’s a Romantic Times Top Pick; it’s a four and a half stars; it’s a multicultural contemporary romance. That means it has Black people in it. This is a microscopic review. When someone turns in a guest review or one of the writers writes a review and they’re not really sure of their opinion, the default is to just start summarizing the plot and tell you what, what happens in the book. I don’t need to know what happens; I need to know what you thought of it. Like, I want to know what happens when you’re done with the book and what you think of it. And so when you really don’t know what to say about a book, it’s just all plot summary. This review is, there’s no review. All right, here we go:

>> Monica Jackson has done it again. Tiffany Eastman, first introduced in Heart’s Desire, has managed to survive an abusive husband and years as an alcoholic. Now at the age of forty-seven she’s a widow hoping to put the past behind her and start a new life. As fate would have it, she soon gets a call from Jason Cates about a new job in St. Louis and the offer to stay in his home –

Dun-dun-duh!

>> – till she’s settled. Drawn to each other since their first encounter, Tiffany and Jason give into their desires and soon begin sharing a passion unlike either has ever experienced. Jason, also a widower, admires Tiffany’s spirit, but is afraid to love again and feels guilty for sharing his dead wife’s house and bed with another woman.

Fair.

>> Sensing that Jason is keeping her arm’s length, Tiffany is afraid to open up to him and tries to keep her past hidden. When a family tragedy strikes, both of them must let go of their fears and doubts and replace them with love.

>> There is a sense of realism and depth to Ms. Jackson’s characters and stories that will keep readers coming back for more. Fans will be glad to know that Jenny, Tiffany’s daughter, will get her own story in an upcoming book.

There’s no review! There’s just a sense of realism to her characters and stories that keep readers coming back. Like, that’s a review for her backlist. That’s not a review for this book! Did they not know what to say? Like, it’s –

Amanda: It’s interesting because, look, I’m putting my little tinfoil hat on, and I would say most of the books in this section that had poor grades were “multicultural romances” –

Sarah: I did notice that too.

Amanda: – or the ones that did get a higher grade, if they were lucky, have reviews like this. So – [laughs]

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I’m, I’m waiting to read “I couldn’t connect with the character.”

Sarah: I mean, honestly! There, there’s so little in this review that they might as well have, have been, like, talking about a book that they looked at in the store and didn’t read. Like, this, how is this a, a four and a half star Top Pick if you’re not telling us why? Like, I, I know the whole plot.

Amanda: This is, this is what I expect to see in the in-, inside flap of a heart…

Sarah: Yes! Yes, that is exactly what this is. What did you pick?

Amanda: So on the same page, I picked another multicultural book called Trust in Love by Mildred Riley, and this one got one star.

Sarah: So this is clear opposite end of the spectrum. We have a four and a half TP and a one.

Amanda: >> Aleesa Haskins is a successful attorney who feels something is missing from her life. Adopted when she was five days old, Aleesa feels the need to find her birth parents. In order to get on with the future, she must find out who she is. Miles Kittredge, Jr., is a senior pilot for a world international network and a man who won’t stop until he gets what he wants.

Sarah: What is world international network? What do you think that is?

Amanda: I think, is it real?

Sarah: No! [Laughs] What do you think it is? He’s a senior pilot for, is that an airline?

Amanda: Either an airline or, like, a private –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – private airline –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – I guess.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: >> From the moment Miles sees Aleesa at Career Day at a local junior high school –

Which, I hate the way that’s phrased, ‘cause it makes them seem like – [laughs] – they’re in junior high…

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: >> – he knows that he’s going to marry her.

Sarah: Bro.

Amanda: >> However, he must first convince her that they are meant to be together. Aleesa realizes how much Miles means to her when he is injured in a plane crash.

Sarah: Saw that coming, ‘cause he was a pilot, right.

Amanda: >> She decides that their future together is more important than her search for her past.

Sarah: Mm.

Amanda: >> But things don’t go smoothly for the two, and they find that they must trust in love to find the happiness they seek. The book starts out slow and never quite picks up the pace. The main characters seem to go from one event to another without really getting anywhere. However, Ms. Riley does give readers some secondary characters that brighten up the book.

This just seemed wild to me. [Laughs]

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: This person really want to know what her background is and, you know, what, who her parents are, and then she meets this guy who is, has to convince her that they’re meant to be together, and then she gives up on that, like, one thing? It’s so interesting. In order to get on with the future, she needs to find out who she is, and then she meets this clingy pilot –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – and she’s like, Never mind.

Sarah: I met a clingy pilot, and that was the end, and then he was in a crash and I realized I was sad about it. Like, oh, okay. This just, this guy just sounds like he’s love-bombing her and gives me the creeps.

Shall we move on to Series?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: All right, why don’t you go first? ‘Cause yours is before mine chrono-mo-logically speaking. Also, your page, by the way, page one, you’re on 105 of the PDF? It’s the creepiest ad I’ve ever fucking seen in my life.

Amanda: I’ve mentioned in the ads. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, we’re going to get back to this ad. This ad is, okay, do you remember that story of that woman who repainted an, an, an historic picture of Jesus Christ, and it looks like a monkey now? That’s kind of the vibe of this. It’s monkey Jesus. Only he has a gun, which is not very Jesus-like. But what book did you pick?

Amanda: [Muffled] …book called In Bed with the Pirate –

Sarah: Ooh, okay, sounds great!

Amanda: – by Colleen Collins.

Sarah: Also good.

Amanda: It’s by, what’s it, it’s in Harlequin Duets, and it’s two stars.

Sarah: Oh, not so good.

Amanda: [Muffled] …title is In Bed with the Pirate, all right? So what are you envisioning there? Okay, just keep that in your mind.

Sarah: M’kay.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: M’kay.

Amanda: >> A bed and breakfast owner sees her geeky next-door neighbor with new eyes when he lands on her doorstep wearing nothing but a pair of red briefs. Trying to help him repair his relationship with a live-in girlfriend, she finds herself becoming more and more involved with the man herself. Just how honest is he being with her about the status of his relationship? In Bed with the Pirate by Colleen Collins has some interesting scenes, but a weak conflict and storyline prevent it from fulfilling its potential.

Where’s the pirate?!

Sarah: Is it, is it, is it the red underwear? [Laughs] So wait, is he lying about – so what do you think is the, the, the conflict here? Just how honest is he being with her about the status of the relationship – is she dead? Is he –

Amanda: …geeky next-door neighbor. Does he cosplay as a pirate? Does he work at one of those, like, dinner theater shows in Orlando?

Sarah: Ohhh, maybe!

Amanda: Who’s the pirate?

Sarah: And what’s the status of his relationship? Is this an online fling? Is this, is he, like, dating her avatar?

Amanda: [Muffled] …a live-in girl- –

Sarah: Well, I mean, maybe she lives in his house inside of his computer!

Amanda: I want to see what the cover looks like.

Sarah: Oh, you know what, that’s a really good question. Is there piracy on the cover? Let’s see what we’ve got! Aw!

Amanda: [Muffled]

Sarah: Is there under-, is there red underwear?

Amanda: ‘Cause it’s a Duet, so there’s two stories in one, but neither of the images signal piracy to me.

Sarah: What the fuck?

Amanda: Right?

Sarah: Okay, also, this, this cover looks like they’re having butt sex. And, like –

Amanda: No judgment. Maybe that’s what pirates do.

Sarah: Is she – well, I mean, yar. She’s shivering on his timber, but they look really happy about whatever’s happening in bed there.

Amanda: Okay, but I’m on Amazon. All right.

Sarah: Okay. Oh, okay.

Amanda: …Amazon description, okay?

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: >> Bed and breakfast owner Kate Corrigan –

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: >> – has always been fascinated – all right, make that a little obsessed – with pirates.

Sarah: Huh?

Amanda: >> But lately one man has blazed his way –

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: >> – into her secret pirate fantasies: her neighbor Toby Mancini. But that didn’t make sense. Toby was uptight, conservative, and very, very proper. Still, a girl could dream, couldn’t she? Only Kate would have never dreamed her fantasy man would show up on her doorstep sexy, swashbuckling –

There’s a word missing.

Sarah: No, that’s a –

Amanda: >> – in his underwear?

Sarah: – that is an OCR scanning error? So they were doing an OCR scan of a print. That is “and in his underwear.” But it’s written as “snf in hid underwear.” I’m sure if Bull is listening to this, and I just said that he, I probably just cursed at him in Norwegian with this OCR error. I’m sorry, Bull. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, so, apparently the piracy comes in…

Sarah: From her.

Amanda: The heroine has a pirate fetish.

Sarah: So let me take a short sidebar here? One of the interesting – okay, so you know my theory that topics in romance are like planets, and some operate like daily; every five; every ten; every, you know, few years; whatever. Every now and again – I’m going to say this is a three-year topic – people start talking about how so many heroines don’t have any friends! There are no scenes with friends; there are no gatherings with friends. They just have, like, this one interest. They have an interest that is their personality, but they don’t necessarily have a circle of girlfriends. I think there’s a lot of reasons why that has become true, but also I agree it’s annoying. This sounds like her one defining characteristic is that she owns a bed and breakfast and is obsessed with pirates, which makes me le-, makes me believe that the inside of this bed and breakfast is, like, piracy. Piracy nonstop, wall to wall, top to bottom. I would stay there, hundred percent.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That sounds great.

Amanda: I want to see if there’s more. Well, now we know where the pirate.

Sarah: We do, we have traced the, the provenance of the pirate. It still doesn’t make any sense. This poor guy in his red underwear. Also, interesting scenes, weak conflict and storyline. Like, I’ve been fantasizing about you, and now we’re having sex? I can understand that being a bit of a, bit of a weak conflict, yeah. Okay.

Amanda: Yeah. Maybe the conflict is Hey, gla-, like, fully respect your pirate fetish, but not something I can get into… [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, I, I picked PDF page 109. Guess who is a Top Pick!

Amanda: Not a surprise.

Sarah: Nora Roberts!

>> A dashing horse trainer is used to dealing with spirited females, but nothing equals the fiery equestrienne who’s caught his eye. The lady in question is more than interested in taming the Irish rebel, but she must first break through his defensive walls surrounding his heart. Fan favorite Nora Roberts gifts readers with a top-notch love story fashioned with complex characters, emotional expression, and a delightful peek into the lives of past characters.

Not much of a review, but I’m glad Nora Roberts is a Top Pick.

Amanda: I think what would be interesting is, like, authors with long backlists, like –

Sarah: Mm-hmm!

Amanda: – creating, like, an author bingo with, like, Okay, if you read a Nora Roberts book, what’s the bingo stuff? Like, are, you’re going to get a horse.

Sarah: Horse. Especially if it’s one of the, one of the, like, series like Harlequin or Silhouette, whatever line she was writing for? Horses all the way down. I think Nora Roberts is a secret horse girl. If I ever see her again, I’ll ask if she’s a horse girl.

Amanda: Yeah, Nora, if you listen, chime in. Are you a horse girl?

Sarah: Nora doesn’t listen to podcasts. Nora’s too busy writing another book. She just finished a book like two minutes ago that she started when we started recording.

Amanda: So yeah, I wonder if we could do like an author bingo card of, like, all right, you read an Ali Hazelwood, here’s your bingo card.

Sarah: Oh, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny. Little teeny, teeny tiny. Whatever it is on the heroine, itty-bitty, teeny-weeny. Whatever it is. Teeny, teeny-weeny, little, itty-bitty heroine. In some respect or all respects, yes. You’re dying ‘cause you know I’m right. [Laughs] Amanda is losing her shit.

Amanda: I just picture the, the heroine being a Polly Pocket.

Sarah: Well, there you go! I mean, that’s, that totally would fit in with the vibes.

So we both skipped Inspirational because we were, it was just very boring, and there was, like, four books, and it was also, yeah, it was also written in the style of, like, Here’s all the publishers, and then one little paragraph per book, and there’s not a lot of, like, critique?

Amanda: Also, that’s also how I felt about the Regency section, but I know you picked one.

Sarah: I picked one because I just, I just want to talk about the fact that this is not a review! I picked a one-star in this section. This is Heiress to Love by Donna Bell, and my comment in our shared document is What are, what are we even doing here?

>> Donna Bell presents Heiress to Love –

One star.

>> – in which a young woman happily running a stud farm at her family estate is summoned to London for a season by her handsome new guardian. Obeying his command with the greatest reluctance, she vows to discourage prospective suitors, only to fall in love with the man who controls her fate. Hampered by a great many social inaccuracies and a sometimes foolish, self-absorbed heroine, this period romance nonetheless maintains an entertaining pace.

What are, what are we even doing here? How is this one star? Social inaccuracies and a self-absorbed, foolish heroine? But it has a good pace. Is this like when you, like, meet the parents of the most troublesome camper at the end of camp and, like, this kid just made you miserable all summer, and you tell their parents, He was a great eater.

So the last section here is Electronic book reviews.

Amanda: When did the Kindle come out? I’m curious.

Sarah: 2007.

Amanda: Okay, so how were people reading digitally? What, what was the, the technology that the people were reading electronically on in 2005?

Sarah: So let me, let me see here. So this is, so – I have to think back of my own personal history. 2005 was when my older child was born, and 2000 was when I got married, so between 2000 and 2005 when I was working at the sleepaway summer camp, the camp was shomer Shabbos, and I worked in the office on a computer, so between Friday sundown and Saturday sundown I had zero to do, and I would read scary books in the pine forest? I read books on my Handspring device, which was running Palm Pilot software. So you could do that. There was also the RocketBook; that was 1998. There was something called a SoftBook reader, but if you look at online, they’re like an inch thick. Like, they’re beefy. And there’s also, like, Sony had an early one, and there might have been devices earlier than that – well, there’s another one – Cybook! The Cybook; the cyber book. Yeah, because Project Guttenberg started digitizing public works in the ‘70s. But one of the earliest formats for people to read digitally was Palm software, because, like, the Palm was in 1996, 1997, and then, like, the Palm Pilot V was the most expensive thing? People were reading books on that.

Amanda: Oh my God. I, so I’m looking at stuff –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – about e-readers, and I found this article from September 2, 2005 –

Sarah: Oh wow! Okay!

Amanda: – for – I’ve never seen this item before in my life, and it probably didn’t have a big release, but it’s a roll-able display –

Sarah: Oh my God. I saw one of these! Ah! I saw one of these at Tools of Change. There were two. There was this one that extends, and then there was one that was actually like, like a big, okay, you know the, the NARS makeup product, the multiple? So it’s like a thick, it’s about like a tall lipstick tube, but it’s maybe an inch-and-a-half around? So if you think about that, about that big, it was that size, but the screen wrapped around it, so you unrolled it and held the base in one hand. And I was –

Amanda: …scroll.

Sarah: Yes! It just sort of unwound, and then you’d wind it back up, and they were not, like, the people who made it were, like, arguing that they had a closed system, that they were going to be their own retailer, that they weren’t going to open it to other places, and I was just like, Well, that’s really cool, but you’re really shooting yourself in the foot, ‘cause you know how many women would put that in their purse. Like, so many.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yes, this is when, when we got some wild, wild fucking e-readers. I, I kind of like this one? I would use that!

Amanda: I was just, like, curious. I was like, Who’s reading these? Like, how are they reading these electronic books at that time?

Sarah: Palm Pilots. And if you look at some of the ads in the issues that are after this one, like, they’ll sell an eBook, and it’ll be available in, like, this whole wide range of formats, like RTF, LIT, eBook, Cybook, RocketBook. Like, they all had their own formatting. So in, in E-, Electronic book reviews, we are still in the era of publishers like awestruck.net, starpublications.com. There’s something called v-novels.com, which is inspired naming, I must say?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh! There’s one I just noticed on PDF page 121 called Do Wah Diddy Die, and I read –

Amanda: I saw that. I’m like… [muffled]

Sarah: I read that too quickly and I thought it said Why Did Diddy Die? And I’m like, Wait, this magazine knows things that I don’t know! [Laughs] What’s happening here? So what did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked Death in the Dunes –

Sarah: No, not the dunes!

Amanda: In the dunes! It’s three stars, and it’s contemporary suspense.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Yeah. So the review:

>> Journalist Dana Merrill hoped spending two weeks with and interviewing Judge Costain would be a boost to her career. It was, but not in the way she desired. Instead of interviewing the judge, she found his dead body!

Sarah: Oh, I hate that!

Amanda: >> Amid the –

[Laughs] I know!

>> Amid the chaos [muffled] of the crime scene, the judge’s long-estranged son Adam arrives. He has good reason to hate his late father and distrust so-called journalists.

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: >> Despite their differences, they agree to search together to find the murderer. Dana and Adam face a series of difficulties in the investigation and their lives. They must learn to work past their differences to build a future.

>> This book had a few technical problems. The story slowed down during passes of introspection. The characters need to do less thinking and take more action. However, Ms. Lee did keep the reader guessing until the end as to whodunit. Also, Ms. Lee has a good start on her writing career. I would like to see her next work and watch her grow as a writer.

[Laughs] Something about the way that the last paragraph or two is written – and I know this is not possible – that gives me, Oh, this was written by AI. It has a very AI-like cadence in the way things are phrased? It made me feel like I, I can imagine a robot would say this about Ms. Lee has a good start on her writing career; I would like see her next work and watch her grow as a writer.

Sarah: That is absolutely the kind of, sort of superficial, almost surface level of everything.

Amanda: Yeah, I’m like, Okay!

Sarah: So I picked, on page 20, Love Lies by an author you might have heard of named MaryJanice Davidson. This was probably one of her earliest books. Three stars. Published by starpublications.com.

>> Ashley Lorentz pretty much sees herself as a nobody, so when she literally runs into millionaire Victor Lawrence she believes nothing will come of it. It does, though, and things are progressing nicely until Victor gets injured and ends up being very ill. While Ashley watches over him, something happens that she finds unforgivable in herself, so she drops him cold. Then Victor finds out about Ashley’s little “secret” and forces her into a relationship she’s not prepared for.

What the hell is this romance? So this is the review:

>> I really enjoyed the first half of Love Lies, which had a lot of humor and moved along quickly and smoothly, but when Victor basically takes over Ashley’s life in the last half, I got very irritated. I also didn’t care for the way Ashley felt Victor had certain rights in a relationship she was forced into. To me, this bordered on abuse. In the end, Ms. Davidson does carve out a nice romance, and I look forward to watching her grow as a writer.

What the hell? Oh my God, Amanda’s cracking up.

Amanda: This was unintentional.

Sarah: Absolutely unintentional, and also they’re, they’re really sort of making the case that eBooks are junior varsity for writing.

Amanda: [Muffled] Also, my mom read a lot of MaryJanice Davidson, and I’ve never read any MaryJanice Davidson? But one of the things that I remember so vividly –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – is this was sort of like the era of cartoon-y chick lit covers?

Sarah: Oh yeah. Undead and Unwed and, is one of those heroines that’s stretched out like Betty Spaghetty? Oh yeah, this is peak Betty Spaghetty.

Amanda: And I just remember my dad created these beautiful built-ins, and I just remember the series where the heroine becomes, like, what, Queen of Alaska?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: And I just have this vivid memory of the series being on the bookshelf. That’s my only – [laughs] – relation to MaryJanice Davidson. Well, I read a, I think I read some of her old, like, newer ones. Newer, like, urban fantasy ones.

Sarah: So I stand corrected. I stand corrected: she, apparently, her first books were, her first written works, according to Wikipedia – which someone once said to me and pronounced it why-k-eye-pedia? So I have a hard time letting it go – over on the Wikipedia, there are some books published in 198-, 1998, ’99, and 2001, so I’m not sure where this one fits in? But she, she was writing at this point.

MaryJanice Davidson was the author when, of a book that I got an advance copy of – this was when we lived in New Jersey – and it was in a baggy, like one of those padded envelopes. It was an ARC in the trade size, and it was a book about a person I think with three personalities? And inside were three mini bottles of liquor just floating around in the bag. There was a Midori, there was a gin, and there was something else. And I remember my ghast was so flabbered. I could not believe –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – one, like, why would you just sell alcohol, send alcohol to reviewers? Do you know that I’m of age? What, what if – like, I think that’s kind of irresponsible? Like, do you know if they have a drinking problem? Do they live with people who have a drink- – you can’t just be like sending liquor, but also, I was in New Jersey, so you sent it across state lines! And at the time I knew that that was bad because the rabbi of our synagogue made liqueur out of a citron, which is like a lemon that’s like ninety percent pith? And you use that on Sukkot, but it’s like this big, knobby, lemon-looking thing, and he made etrog liqueur and then put it in little bottles and sent it to all his rabbi friends outside of the state as a gift for the holiday and got raided by ATF. So we, I got this huge blast email at me and Adam both from the synagogue going We, um, we are aware that people have noticed the Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms raid on Rabbi Tepperman’s house. The lawyers are in contact, and we will have an update soon. [Laughs] So we have this, like –

Amanda: What was the resolution? Did he just have to pay a fine? Or –

Sarah: Yeah, I think ultimately he, he paid a fine and talked about it a bunch of times. I –

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: – I will never forget, I got, I got mini bottles from a publicity or marketing department, and that has never happened again. Like, I remain astonished that that was the idea. And I’ve, I’ve mentioned that to other people and like, Oh, that’s, that’s really expensive and not a good idea. And I’m like, I know!

Amanda: Yeah. Now we just have, like, sex toys and other sexual implements being sent out –

Sarah: They’re sending them –

Amanda: – which is not illegal! But just weird.

Sarah: Well now, instead of the publisher putting together a package around a book? The authors are putting the packages around a book and then sending it to people who they have connections with. I think Kennedy Ryan does that? She does a whole box about her book with stuff to announce a new book, and I’ve seen other people, like Luvvie Ajayi Jones will get a Kennedy Ryan book and unbox it on Instagram. I think it’s more authors and publicists, like their private publicists that are doing these sort of big box with stuff? Publishers are not spending that money.

So those were the books! You want to read any of these?

Amanda: No.

Sarah: Okay! That’s, that’s fine. I don’t either. I think I did actually read –

Amanda: [Muffled] …some of them.

Sarah: I think I read the Nora one, if I’m remembering correctly. I went on a Nora kick with a bunch of series romances, and there was the Irish Thoroughbred, Irish Rebel, all the Irish ones where there’s horses, and then she wrote a short series that was all set around the Antietam battlefield in Pennsylvania? And it was haunted, and that was so fucking creepy. Para-Nora goes way back. Yeah, that gave me the jibblies.

Amanda: Oh yeah. Well, there is one book that I marked down; I’m like, Oh, it sounds interesting; but that’s not until the ads and features, so I’m –

Sarah: All right.

Amanda: – not going to spoil it.

Sarah: Well, let’s not spoil it. We’ll be back in two weeks with the ads and features then.

Amanda: [Laughs]

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode, and I have a very important question: did you read eBooks before the Kindle was released? Do you remember what device you used? I know at least two people who had RocketBooks back in the day, and I read on my Handspring Visor, which I love and miss a lot. But I’m curious: what, what did you read eBooks on, if you did, before the Kindle was released? I would love to know. I love old technology; it’s fascinating.

You can comment at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast under episode 661. You can email me at [email protected]. If you’re in the Patreon you can comment on the Patreon entry. I would just love to know what you were reading on if you didn’t have a Kindle and you pre-date the Kindle. Wow, do I feel old.

I will have links to all of the books that we discussed and the links to (a) our land acknowledgment if you’d like to see it, and this incredible, rollable eBook display from 2005 that I totally wish was in the market right now. You can find that in the show notes or at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast under episode 661.

As always, I end with a terrible joke, and this one is terrible! Because that’s what we do here. You ready?

What does it mean if you wake up and find stir-fry all over your bed?

Give up? What does it mean if you wake up and find stir-fry all over your bed?

You were probably sleep-wok-ing.

[Laughs] You wok-ed! That is horrible; I love it! It’s just the greatest thing to do every week, to find a terrible joke. I know you’re all groaning; thank you for groaning with me.

On behalf of everyone here, have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week!

And in the words of my favorite retired podcast Friendshipping, thank you for listening; you’re welcome for talking.

[end of music]