We all have one—that memory of something done or said with the absolute confidence of youth that makes our toes curl to recall. We think about it years later, in bed at night or on long drives or errantly in the shower and wish, cheeks somehow still flaming, that there was some way to take it back.
I myself have an entire collection, a hideous slideshow of my awkward phase, which stretched from ages 12-32. It’s good in some ways—to be humbled, to remember that it’s actually quite hard being young. But there are some mistakes that don’t just embarrass, they haunt. Because those are the ones whose consequences spread like greedy fingers into the lives of everyone around you. And although you may no longer be the same person who made that fateful decision, you sure are stuck with the fallout.
My novel The Snap is the story of Poppy Benjamin, an NFL professional trapped by the actions of her twenty two-year-old self. It’s told in two timelines so that readers can realize along with the older Poppy just how deeply she has blundered. There is no taking it back, there is only the hope of a chance to make it right, and a prayer that it is not too late.
Mistakes are inevitable, but here are eight books about life-ruiners.
Atonement by Ian McEwan
The heartbreak of this novel is how viscerally we can all relate to the sting of thinking yourself adult but being dismissed as a child. Thirteen-year-old Briony Tallis endures one such humiliation and is determined to never let it happen again. When a witness to a crime is sought, she steps forward, arranging a set of partial facts and contextless observations with a young person’s understanding but an adult’s certainty. Briony gets the satisfaction of having done something significant, of contributing confidently to the world of Things That Matter, but realizes in her later years just how much pain and suffering she has caused. The micro tragedy of cursed young lovers is contrasted with the trauma and chaos of a world war. Briony is left adrift in all of it.
I Know What You Did Last Summer by Lois Duncan
You’re probably familiar with the slasher film adaptation, but Lois Duncan’s early 70s novel relies less on jump scares than on the crushing, claustrophobic feeling of knowing almost immediately that you’ve done the wrong thing. Julie James knows that she and her friends should have told someone that they were responsible for the hit-and run death of a young boy, even though it would have meant admitting they’d been drinking. It’s often said that the cover-up is worse than the crime, but in this case it is a small attempt at absolution that sets in motion an unstoppable chain of events. The original editions have those incredibly satisfying rough pulp pages that will have you wanting to read this one in a hammock with a popsicle-stained mouth.
Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll
One of the hallmarks of high school is what a small slice of the world it actually is, but how all-encompassing it feels at the time. A defeat suffered there seems unsurvivable, and Ani FaNelli experiences that twice, in very different contexts. After the first, her confidence in her ability to read people is shot, but she slowly rebuilds, finding a new safe space and new people to trust in. When her world comes crashing down a second time, she runs, putting as much distance as possible between her newly created persona and her traumatic past. Then a phone call threatens to unearth everything she’s tried to leave behind, and Ani is forced to reexamine her teenage understanding of what happened to her. But absolving herself of guilt for one tragedy creates motive for the second, just when the push for accountability is coming.
Victim by Andrew Boryga
The line between opportunism and exploitation is razor-thin, as Javier Perez discovers in this meditation on telling people what they want to hear. When a well-meaning advisor suggests that Javi embellish personal tragedies in his college admissions essay, he’s hesitant. It’s not lying, but it’s not exactly true either. Once Javi is willing to present himself in a certain way, the world opens up to him, and soon he’ll take whatever he can gain through the guilt and morbid fascination of others. But pity is a double-edged sword, and although Javi is a talented writer worthy of genuine accolades, he’s built nothing on the basis of that talent and so can’t trust it.
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
Pragmatism is a noble quality when it comes to the real world, and no one knows that better than legendary actress Evelyn Hugo. From nothing and owed nothing, she inherently understands that to be successful, she will have to identify what people want and then give it to them. Women have long lived this way—Evelyn could be classified as a golden age precursor to the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, or Gone Girl’s infamous “cool girl” persona. But being someone else inevitably means leaving your real self behind—where you come from, what you look like, and who you love. When Evelyn’s years of stardom are behind her, she is left wondering if her successes were worth the significant sacrifice.
Advika and the Hollywood Wives by Kirthana Ramisetti
All lives have seasons, and the way we react to people and things depend so heavily on the time when they find us. That’s the case for Advika Srinivasan, who is isolated and adrift after a personal tragedy, pouring drinks at Hollywood awards galas while dreaming of being on the other side of the bar. Maybe if her parents hadn’t moved away, she would have turned down Julian Zelding, a legendary producer 41 years her senior, when he asked her out. Maybe if she wasn’t disconnected from her lifelong friend group, she wouldn’t have needed so badly the outsized attention that Julian lavishes on her, resulting in a whirlwind marriage and elopement. But they did and she is, and so just like that, Advika is living a life she never imagined and doesn’t quite want. It takes a voice from Julian’s past to open her eyes to the severity of her situation, but by then it may be too late.
Yellowface by R.F. Kuang
This book is a car crash you desperately want to look away from but can’t, careening forward as the tension ratchets up and up to the point where you’re literally begging the protagonist to make any other choice. June Hayward is a frustrated middling author. She watches bitterly as her sometimes-friend Athena rockets to literary stardom, attributing Athena’s ability to break out of a crowded marketplace to her Chinese-American background. June knows her talent is on par with Athena’s; the deck is simply stacked against her as a dime-a-dozen white girl in publishing. When the opportunity comes to step into Athena’s shoes, June takes it, because it’s no less than what she’s owed. The magic trick of this book is that June’s delusion is so complete she has no idea her comeuppance is coming, although the reader unbearably feels it page by unbearable page.
The Christmas Guest by Peter Swanson
To love someone is to willfully look past their faults. Whole-hearted devotion is a beautiful thing, but it can also blind. What happens when a loved one is accused of a terrible crime? Who among us would believe it of them? American college student Ashley Smith sees this dogged loyalty firsthand when she’s unexpectedly invited to her classmate Emma Chapman’s country home for Christmas. Emma’s handsome and moody brother Adam has been questioned about the murder of a local girl. Emma dismisses the accusation out of hand, and Ashley, awed by the stately home’s crackling fireplaces and elaborate holiday décor, is inclined to agree. This novella is a scoop of a book, something I wished I could have luxuriated in for much longer. But the story’s strength is in its brevity, in knowing that whatever will happen will be soon, will be now, because the pages rush past like water through fingers until we’re left stunned and chilled at the final reveal.