This week, due to my life being full of busy adult things, I’m recapping two episodes in one.

Yes, that’s a lot for any liver to take, but I have my emotional support foster cat, Picasso, to aid me in this endeavor.

Picasso is big with a giant head and loves smooches and would win this season without having to do anything other than roll over and show Jenn his belly.

Picasso: You don’t need a meal, Jenn, cuz I’m the whole snack…or something. Mmm. Snacks.

 

We open up with everyone in Melbourne, Australia and… what? They never travel this early in the season, but ok.

We jump right into the first group date, shopping and eating at Queen Victoria Market. They try some Vegemite, which based on the guys’ reactions, you’d think was made out of ant poison.

Devin pulls Jenn away to get some gelato, which offends the other guys because it’s a group date not a Devin date, okay?

Then the group stops at comedy festival and the female comedian on stages remarks on them showing up late because “you look like the type that usually comes early.”

Then she announces that the guys will have to do their own comedy bit.

Picasso: This is going to be terrible.

It is. It really is. They aren’t funny.

They mostly roast Devin, but not in a funny way. It was painful to watch.

During the after party the guys complain to Devin about him pulling Jenn aside.

Jesus Christ, you guys. Calm down.

Aaron keeps calling him Dylan instead of Devin.

Aaron is also wearing a pearl necklace.

So then while Aaron is having one-on-one time with Jenn, Devin/Dylan shows up with a room service cart with ice cream and “steals” her.

Aaron and his pearls pace around and fume, then comes back to interrupt Devin. Then Devin interrupts Aaron again. Jenn says she just wants all the guys to “love each other.”

Good luck with that.

This is so tedious and stupid that Picasso has taken this opportunity to lick his butt.

After all that nonsense, the group date rose goes to Grant who did a great job of minding his own business.

The next day, Marcus and Jenn go on a one-on-one date where they go skydiving. Marcus is excited and Jenn is freaking out.

Marcus used to be an Army Ranger and has jumped out of planes before, so he says he’s in his comfort zone. Jenn says that Marcus showed up for her and helped her to be brave so we know he’s getting the date rose.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Marcus tells her that on his last deployment he was seriously injured when a grenade went off near him. He says his fellow soldiers saved his life while risking their own, and it took him months of recovery to walk again.

He says all of this makes him want to live a life worth saving.

How is this guy on this show? He is far too quality for the usual bro selection.

The next day is another group date, and we open with Jenn feeding a koala. She says she fosters kittens in spare time (hey girl same!) further solidifying Picasso’s hypothetical place as the winner of this season.

Picasso: I am kitten. Seventeen pound kitten. Just a baby. Very smol.

The guys are going to be doing a photoshoot with native Australian animals and the best picture will get an evening alone with Jenn.

The twist is that all the animals are “dangerous.”

Sam M holds a monitor lizard who apparently just bit someone last week. I hope she doesn’t bite him because we don’t know what kind of diseases Sam M might be carrying.

Honestly they play up the dangerous animal thing a lot. One of the animals is a little tiny owl who, sure, has claws, but also doesn’t want to be there. Or maybe because we have Great Horned Owls and Bald Eagles right in my neighborhood I’m just not super impressed.

Honestly, if they wanted to fuck these guys up make them hold a Canadian goose.

Geese will fuck you up. We have geese nesting where I work and we have something called “the goose stick” which is just a broom stick we use occasionally to nudge them away from our cars (no geese are hurt in this effort) as they will sit next to your vehicle and hiss and not let you get in your car because geese do not give a fuck and are made of rage and anarchy.

Hakeem has to hold a giant spider and he doesn’t handle it well. I guarantee they asked these guys who was afraid of spiders and picked him for this based on his response. Picasso would 100% pounce on that spider.

Dylan (the real Dylan not Devin) gets to spend dinner alone with Jenn after he holds a giant ass snake that wraps around his neck.

He tells her that he’s a romantic and that his parents got married after knowing each other for only six months.

The other guys head back to the hotel and ask the guys from the first group date if they can give them a little more time with Jenn during the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Clearly this is a set up for drama.

Devin and Aaron step aside to continue their bullshit from before. Aaron calls Devin arrogant. Devin says Aaron is jealous. Then Aaron calls him a bully. Then Aaron gives him a book on emotional intelligence.

During the cocktail hour, Devin immediately asks to talk to Jenn alone and the other guys are steaming.

He tells Jenn he’s “an outbound guy.”

I don’t know what that means.

Thomas pulls Devin aside and points out that Devin agreed that because they got no afterparty from their group date, he would let them have time with Jenn. They fight about it and Jenn listens from the hallway.

At point Devin says, “Nobody deserves anything in this life Thomas!”

So that got dark.

Later Jenn asks Thomas if the ten minutes she spent with Devin was worth stirring shit up.

Then it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

Devin gets a rose because we can’t be done with the bullshit drama yet. Thomas gets one too.

Then we’re onto episode three.

The first one-on-one date goes to Spencer, who Jenn says has “golden retriever energy.”

They take a helicopter ride (helicopter budget!) over the twelve apostles.

Back at the hotel Sam M calls Devin “an ankle biting dog” which is offensive to small dogs everywhere.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Spencer tells Jenn he fell into a depression after he found out his fiancée had been cheating on him. She asks him if he’s ready to get engaged again and he say yes. He gets the date rose and they watch some fireworks.

Then it’s time for the group date. Sam M isn’t happy Devin is there, but says he needs to “keep the main thing the main thing.”

They go to a theater where the men will be performing a striptease after lessons from the guys from Thunder from Down Under.

I already have secondhand embarrassment.

The guys dress up and then perform in front of a live audience. It’s as cringe as you’d expect.

Two former Australian Bachelorettes help Jenn judge the guys. Sam N hurts himself so he can’t really dance and instead tells Jenn he’s falling in love with her. Yes there is a Sam M and a Sam N so that’s confusing.

Later Sam N tells the guys he feels pathetic and he meant to say “starting to fall in love” not “in love.”

Okay.

Devin calls out Sam M and Thomas for snickering at Sam N.

These guys are actual children, my God.

Picasso: I could be napping right now.

During their alone time Sam M does another strip tease for Jenn and she keeps asking in an embarrassed tone “What are you doing?”

Then he grinds on her and asks her to be his girlfriend and she says “Not like this, no!”

She’s clearly SO uncomfortable and he’s not getting it.

Devin gets the date rose for some reason.

Back at the hotel Aaron finds out his fighter pilot training dates have been approved so he could stay on the show or go do his training. He’s in the USAF by the way, not just some random guy learning to fly a fighter plane.

The next group date is Austin, Hakeem, Aaron and Jeremy.

They show up at a racetrack where we learn that only Aaron knows how to drive stick. Jen is the best driver out of all of them except maybe Aaron.

Hakeem does his entire lap in first gear.

Austin winds up winning the race by 3 seconds.

During the cocktail hour, Aaron is struggling with staying on the show or doing his flight training.

DUDE.

Do NOT give up Air Force training for this show.

Also he’s wearing the pearl necklace again.

Jeremy gets the date rose.

Then we’re back to the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour.

In a rare moment of wisdom, Aaron tells Jenn he’s leaving to do his USAF training. Jenn understands. Before he leaves, he tells her that some of the guys aren’t ready for an engagement even though he doesn’t name names. Of course we all know he means Devin.

Man, you’re leaving. If you’re going to shit talk, you have to tell her who you’re talking about. Dumbass.

Jenn is really pissed at him now.

“It’s up to you to figure out,” he says.

Well fuck you too, dude.

Picasso: Not cool, bro.

Jenn marches into the living room and tells the guys that if they aren’t ready to get engaged they need to get out.

The guys all seem confused.

Jenn asked Sam M if he’s rattled by her speech and he says nothing she said applies to him. She admits she’s closer to him than some of the other guys.

Meanwhile all the other guys are bickering.

Jesse comes out and tells them it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony. A moment later Sam N (who maybe is on drugs for the thumb/wrist he hurt) says, “The night is still young.”

“The night is not young!” someone shouts. “Jesse just said so!”

Everyone needs to go to bed.

In the end she sends home Hakeem and Thomas A.

And that’s it. Are you watching?