We’re on week six of The Bachelorette and we’re down to seven guys. Six guys? IDK.

Next week is Hometowns. The fact that they are obviously condensing this season plus running it through the dead middle of summer makes me wonder how healthy this franchise is anymore.

It’s definitely not as healthy as Picasso who is robust and handsome and soft and understands the importance of a good nap.

Picasso: Bachelorette time equals nap time.

We’re back in the United States–in Seattle to be specific. The first one-on-one date goes to Marcus. He gets a gift box from Jenn containing a green letterman’s jacket.

Then Jesse pops out of nowhere wearing a green velvet suit. He points out that Seattle is known as The Emerald City and they start doing a really painful cross-promo for the soon to be released movie Wicked.

For the record, I love the musical Wicked, and I’m insulted that it’s being roped into this shit show.

So then there’s a yellow brick road and former Bachelor contestants Daisy and Kelsey who are dressed as Glinda and Elphaba respectively. They play a game where they pick between opposites like sweet and spicy and honestly nothing really happens and this is dumb.

They disagree on “fast or slow;” Jenn picks fast and Marcus picks slow because he likes to go slow in relationships.

This is so boring.

The end the date with a hot air balloon ride.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Marcus tells her that he had a really unstable childhood and one day his parents just didn’t pick him or his sister up from daycare. When they were in foster care, he felt the need to protect or parent his sister. He says that’s why he’s so guarded.

Jenn says he’s incredible for overcoming all of that and gives him the date rose.

The group date starts off at a radio show.

Serious question, do any of you still listen to radio shows?

I used to listen diligently every morning before the iPod showed up, now it’s just podcasts and playlists. Are they still a big thing?

They do a word association game and when the give Sam the words “Fantasy Suite” he replies “aggressive.”

So then Sam says something about how when he first came on the show he wasn’t sure if Jenn could show love the way he does, but then she made a toast about a ferocious love and he was in. He describes his love as reckless.

WTF is going on here. Aggressive, ferocious and reckless aren’t words I normally associate with romance? Is he implying he likes rough sex?

So then the hosts ask everyone to leave except Sam because we’re going to mine this nonsense for everything it’s worth (which is nothing).

There are like six other people in the room and one of the hosts suggest they act like they “aren’t even here” while they get to know each other better.

Just pretend we’re not here. While we breathe hard and stare directly at you.

At one point Sam tells her when he got out of the limo and saw her “I thought this girl is not my type.” He says he thought Bachelorette would be Maria or Daisy.

He is absolutely nailing this.

So then Jenn asks him, other than the reckless love thing, why he would want to be with her then and he says because she’s selfless.

“How do you know I’m selfless?” she asks.

“Because you’re either selfless or full of shit,” he responds.

This guy is just made up of red flags. He’s practically glowing at this point.

He follows up with, “After night one, the connection we had was…hot. Truthfully, I feel like you kept me in a closet.”

IS HE DRUNK RIGHT NOW?

Picasso can’t even look. That’s why his eyes are closed. And he’s snoring.

When she asks Sam if he even really knows her, he says his love language is touch and he kisses her.

During the cocktail hour, Grant tells Jenn he’s falling in love with her. She has moments of connection with everyone except Sam.

The more I think about his “aggressive, ferocious and reckless” love comments the more I think I have the perfect mate for Sam.

So Jenn asks Sam for clarity and he says he needs a relationship where the woman is selfless because he’s never been emotionally supported in his prior relationships.

Jenn says, “but that’s your journey” and then asks him for one single thing about her as an individual human being that makes him think she’s the one and Sam straight up blacks out for a second and says, “Because I love you!”

Man this is the old skool hot mess Bachelorette trash that I love. BRING IT ON!

This would only be better if he freaks out, runs away and climbs a fence or something.

Jenn says they need more time to get on the same page and they hug.  His eyes are so glazed over that I don’t know if he’s super drunk or what.

Jenn decides not to give out a group date rose.

The next day it’s Jeremy’s one-on-one date. They go to the Public Market where he makes her a bouquet of flowers and they get their palms read. Of course they catch a fish.

Jeremy makes Jenn laugh a lot, and they have a genuinely cute chemistry.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Jeremy surprisingly doesn’t disclose any trauma, but instead he and Jenn bond over how close they are to their moms. Jeremy also tells her that he wants to raise his kids in the Jewish faith. Jenn says she’s Buddhist and wants to expose her kids to multiple cultures and faiths.

Jenn gives him the date rose.

It’s the next day and we open with dramatic music as Jenn gets  dressed before the next Dreaded Rose Ceremony. She says she needs to talk to Sam more and goes looking for him while cameras follow her around the hotel.

Jenn asks him how he’s feeling and he says, “Terrified.” Then he reiterates that he’s in love with her.

Jenn asks, “Okay, what does love mean to you?”

Rich: Ohhhh he’s trying to remember that cross stitch on his grandma’s wall right now isn’t he?

“For me love is selfless (take a drink), love is sacrifice,” Sam stammers. “It’s understanding the person that’s in front of you, it’s always validating them in whatever way that means, making sure that this other person knows that ‘you’re the only other person in the world that I see.’”

Is it though? I realize love means a lot of different things to different people, but looking for someone to always be selfless, to sacrifice, and to validate you the way you need feels pretty toxic to me.

Jenn says that nothing sounds genuine to her.

“Everything that comes out of my mouth, I feel like I’m downplaying the way that I actually love,” Sam insists.

“I am so confused,” Jenn says.

GIRL, US TOO.

Jenn points out that through all of this, he’s not listening to her.

She asks him one more time to explain what he sees in her and he says, “Your passion for love, your desire for wanting a family.”

Then he tops it off with this little gem, “Fact of the matter is there are people out there with the same characteristics as you and I’ve had those people in front of me. I feel like you’re looking at me waiting for these answers with words.”

Sam is now floundering. He can see the walls closing in. “You’re pouring into my emotional part,” he says.

I think I read an alien romance where that happened.

I love it when these guys shit all over themselves.

She repeatedly asks him to tell her one thing he knows about her, and he can’t do it. He just keeps repeating that he loves her.

Jenn goes into the hall to tell the producers that this is a fucking train wreck.

She goes back into Sam’s room and basically says he’s self-focused and this isn’t working. She gives him a tense hug and walks out. Sam takes off the suit jacket he’s wearing and packs it. So he’s just packing the clothes he’s wearing then?

Then he says the energy Jenn brought was “dull,” and “I will always keep the main thing the main thing.”

Picasso is my main thing.

During The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, Jenn sends home Spencer and Grant.  That makes her final four Devin, Marcus, Jeremy and Jonathan.

Who wants to bet Sam shows up again?

That’s it, are you watching?